Circling Back
DISCLAIMER: I know that I should stop circling back and writing things about you. But, I want to be liberated and be cleansed once and for all, simply because I am in a much, much better place right now than I was six months or a year ago. Also, I have grown to become more resilient and accepting in terms of facing my serious heart break ever. I have been questioning myself these very questions for the past months: “Am I ready to know? Do I need to know? Can I handle this? Will I break and fall to a bottomless pit again?” At first, I was so scared because I didn’t know whether my heart was strong enough to mend and to contain it once I knew. But, I decided that I was ready to know, for the sake of putting all this back-and-forth dance down, once and for all. At last, I’m glad that I made the decision as turned out it’s just the kind of closure that I’ve been needing and wanting all along. This time, I can feel that it’s over, totally over. So, here are my lessons.
I used to read about how love comes in all shapes and sizes without ever thinking the deep meaning and interpretations that the quote carries. It could be considered funny, even ridiculous, that I learned what lies behind the quotes from a failed love story, not to mention one that’s never even officially materialized. However, it is very surprising how I have been taught about love, forgiveness and letting go from the failed story, and how I have grown so, so much out of it.
I used to think that circling back to sad memories about past relationships, not to mention a failed one, was toxic. It was toxic, indeed, when I wasn’t strong enough to face the reality that it was over and still wanting to nest in the past with all those could haves, should haves, and what ifs. But, once I came to terms with myself regarding acceptance of reality, circling back can be very healthy as it helps me to understand, to find my closure and to put everything in perspectives. A year ago, or even six months ago, my wound was still raw, and I had never thought that I could arrive to this day, when I’m being liberated from past thoughts and being able to revisit the heart break to actually learn from it. Life is funny, you know?
I used to regard all those quotes about love as nonsense and utter cliché. I used to think that love is just for those who are weak, needy and losers. Oh, how wrong have I been.
This morning I woke up with a slight curiosity in my heart about how he’s been doing. After spending months pondering and considering whether I needed to know his current situation, I took a decision to eventually look him up. I learned that he’s been in a relationship with someone new for quite some time now. At first, I was disappointed, and I still felt slight stung in my heart. I have been saying to myself, “What do I expect since it’s been two years?” I couldn’t help but not to feel slight pinch in my heart although it wasn’t as hurtful as it was a year ago. As I headed to work, I pondered that actually this was the kind of explanation and closure that I’ve been waiting for since two years ago, when he suddenly disappeared from my life. This might not the kind of explanation that I wanted or hoped for, but it was just the right one that I needed.
Sometimes a heart break can be very painful as it does not only tear you down, but also makes you question your very being and your existence. At least, I did a year ago when I thought he’d moved on so easily. To this day, I still have no idea what exactly happened. Nevertheless, I was so heartbroken when I learned the news. I was so heartbroken to a point where I started to question what’s wrong with me, physically and intellectually. Not to mention how many times I’ve spent cursing myself for being too open and too easy to be lulled by his sweet words and caring deeds, and how I felt so stupid for falling for it. I was so heartbroken that during the first three months after he left, my life was in shamble and I didn’t know where to begin to patch myself up. I was so heartbroken to a point where I felt so hopeless of future love as I wasn’t sure that I wouldn’t be able to face another heartbreak nor to feel so awful and hurt like that again.
Today was almost the same. I couldn’t help to not feel sad and crushed, but it wasn’t for long. As I stride to the day and pondered the news about his current relationship, I knew that we’re just not meant to be. He was never for me as I was never for him. I thought I had found my forever as we were so compatible and in-sync, or at least so I thought. It felt like the feelings were mutual and that I had found ‘the one’. Turned out, he wasn’t my forever. He was just a guy that I needed to teach me lessons about love. I have never thought that I would learn so much in a very brief of time.
As I learned about the news, everything fell into place. Why he suddenly left, why he responded the way he did when I asked to meet last year, and why he never contacted me again, in contrast with a wish that I’d been keeping since our last communication. I don’t have to know whether he considers explaining to me that he’s not available anymore is a silly thing nor whether his feelings when he was with me were ever true. All I have to know is just that it was already over even when I still wished that it wasn’t.
I needed quite sometime to be able to stand on my feet again. I used to consider it as a waste of time. I’ve been throwing away my time to daydream about us and I’ve been distracted from my life goals. I never thought that I would learn about love in this way, but I’m just glad that I did. As much as I’m disappointed with how our relationship flipped out, I don’t feel as much anger and sadness toward him and me. I’m glad that I took the lesson in a 2-year programme of master’s degree in how to bounce back and cope from a broken heart. Just a few months back, I thought that I would never be able to stand on my feet if my heart was ever to be broken again. Turns out today I’m in a much healthier situation where I can bounce back easily from the news. Sure, I was quite distracted, but it didn’t hurt and hold me back as much as it did a year ago. I am stronger and more resilient.
I thought that I would never want to be involved with someone again in the future as it bears the consequences of being brokenhearted and hurt. I was afraid then, but I am not now. The experience that I learned from this failed love interest only makes me become more hopeful and optimistic of what the future holds. I may not have the right one for me, but I’m sure someday I will. Until then, I will learn about and love myself as much as I can.
Life is more than just being in a relationship, and it certainly is more than just a person who broke my heart. I may not have the kind of romantic love story that I want today. But the news about him that I learned today directed me to other shapes and sizes of loves that I have in my life. I may not have that kind of love at this point of my life now, but I’m more thankful that I’m wonderfully loved by my family, friends and my Father. I am no longer afraid of facing broken heart in the future as I know now that I am not alone. I was never, have never been and will never be alone to face it. I could be drowned in tears today as soon as I learned the news. Nevertheless, I refuse falling into the same pit as I did last year. This time I’m so thankful for circling back as it eventually gives me closure so that I can put all these memories and wishes about him and us to rest, once and for all. So, once again, thank you for teaching me so much about so much. I wish you well for your future endeavor!
